The following is from a Christian, man, a father, husband, teacher, and coach I admire.  I asked him specifically because he runs, or at least helps run, the men’s group at our church.  When I got my new teaching position I was unable to attend the morning meetings consistently, but I felt that he would be a great resource to tap into regarding how to create a support system for yourself.  I was also able to help out in his tennis camp this past Summer and get to know him and his family a bit more.  Thank you Adam for contributing to DADuary for me, and thank you for your insights on this matter.

What’s one way to create a support system for yourself?  Who’s in your life to support you, and who can you support?

Besides walking daily with Jesus through prayer and bible study, there is nothing more important than to have other men to walk through each stage of life with you.  When I first became a Christian I was blessed to be part of a church that made a point to get men connected to other men for encouragement and fellowship.  I can remember meeting at 6am every Tuesday morning to discuss a book we were reading called ”If Only He Knew”, by Gary Smalley.  The material was outstanding but the years of hanging out with other men who wanted to love thier wives and walk with God were key to my initial growth as a husband and eventually as a father.

I would also suggest finding a mature man of God to mentor you.  I spent a couple years spending Monday nights with another Christian man who took time to encourage me as a husband, teacher, coach and future Dad.  My time spent with him was very important in shaping who God was making me to be. Even at the age of 45 I still see the value in being mentored by a man a bit older than myself. In fact, I have a good friend, age 50,  who often talks about what he’s learning from his mentor.

Another way to create a support system in your life is to make it a habit to share what’s happening in your life with your wife.  She wants you to succeed and she knows your blind spots better that most.  Asking for her opinion and thoughts about a matter will make you a better man and bless her tremendously.  She longs for your trust in her opinions.  Finally, the best thing you can do is get into a men’s group.  Get into a group where you can be real and othesr can get to know the real you.  You need the input from other Godly men, and they need you.

I hope this will work,

-Adam

Welcome to week 3 of DADuary

The Theme for this week to to get out and be active with your kids; create memories that you all will never forget.  Dads, uncles, and grandpas play a vital role in teaching kids how to play.  You can teach them about life and the world, and about yourself, and let them learn what they’re made of.  Get out and get some fun done!

As I was brainstorming what DADuary would look like and what should happen this month, as I had the idea to highlight DAD-Activities, I was contacted by Ben Cohen-Leadholm.  Ben is the author of the family activities blog Kids Are Awesome But So Am I, helping parents reclaim their mojo through kids’ activities that don’t suck. He is the co-author of Have No Career Fear: A College Grad’s Guide to Snagging a Job, Trekking the Career Path, and Reaching Job Nirvana. Find him on Twitter (@parentingmojo), Facebook (www.facebook.com/kidsactivity), and Email (blswes@gmail.com).

Here is Ben’s post on 10 Kids’ Activities That Don’t Suck for DADuary

Kids’ activities matter. A lot. In their best form, kids’ activities can be a way to teach, bond, grow, and have fun. Problem is, the activities we do with our kids can become surprisingly routine and habitual over time – and that’s a missed opportunity for showing our kids something new, growing as parents, and having a rock-star story to tell friends over beers afterwards.

Here are 10 unique, fun, and even unusual activities for dads and their kids in the name of DADuary, celebrating the key role of dads in their kids’ lives. The ideas run the gamut from hitting a car show to playing Frisbee golf to holding an ice cream sculpting contest to going yurt camping. Here’s to trying something new, dads. Now grab your keys, iPhone, and some snacks – it’s time to go grab Life by the you-know-what.

Car show
A bright red Enzo Ferrari, with Formula One racing styling and butterfly doors, will stop most people dead in their tracks. Same goes for the imaginative Jetsons-like concept cars from more accessible brands like Audi, Toyota, and Ford. And that is why I love car shows, especially with my kid.

Auto shows make us all feel like kids as we walk around for the day marveling at the most luxurious, technologically advanced, innovative, and just plain cool cars in the world. Good news is kids absolutely love these cars, too. Additionally, many car shows and brands at the car shows have begun catering to families with kid-centric activities on site.

As your starting point, here is a US auto show directory (and did I mention that most shows let kids in for free?). And if it’ll be a while until the next local car show, you can always consider checking out a nearby auto museum listed here or here.

Geocaching
You’re probably asking, “What the hell is geocaching?” And that’s exactly the question I asked when another parent introduced the idea to me. Simply put, geocaching is an outdoor treasure hunt where people locate hidden containers of cool or unusual stuff (geocaches) using clues and GPS-enabled devices, like your iPhone.

But here’s the part I like: geocaching is an adventure for you and your kid waiting to happen, and one that can happen at any time and anywhere in the world, even in your own neighborhood. (For a point of reference, there are 240 geocaches within 5 miles of my house.)

To start, you simply visit the Geocaching main site, register for a free membership, type in your zip code or any location of interest, and choose your adventure for the day. It’s just that easy. And since geocaching is not what I’d call mainstream, you’ll have a unique story to tell your friends over beers.

Work out together
Exercising with your kid is a first-rate family activity for three reasons: first, it allows you to squeeze in a much-needed stress-killer workout for yourself; second, it’s high-quality bonding time as you teach and practice with your kid various exercises; and third, it helps to pass on an appreciation of fitness to your kids, quite possibly one the most important lessons a dad can teach.

The beauty of working out together is that no exercise equipment is needed, you get to decide what you will do and for how long, and it can be done at home or outside (like a public park). The most important element of this activity is selecting your exercises, so start by checking out the exercise demos at 57 outdoor exercises for the park and CrossFit Kids.

Cooking the Best Fill-in-the-Blank Ever
All men can appreciate the value of developing a manual skill, such as carpentry, auto mechanics, welding, or … preparing the best grilled cheese ever. Unlike many kids’ activities, this culinary activity can be done in your PJs, is unaffected by lousy weather, and you get to consume what you produce. Sounds like a winner.

There are three points worth noting. First, ingredients matter. Teach your kid – and remind yourself – of the importance of the ingredients you choose and of the wide variety and quality level of those choices. Second, preparation is key. Remember we’re developing a skill here, so the intricacies of things like spatula use or cooking time or skillet temperature are fun to discuss and debate (even if your kid won’t be handling any of the cooking). Third, let your kid’s mouth decide the winning recipe. Maybe set up a blind taste test to decide the winner? It’s up to you.

Frisbee Golf
Frisbee golf is a simple game that you can play in any park or field of a decent size. (In fact, playing on a snow-covered golf course is an under-appreciated winter variation.) Playing is as straightforward as selecting the “hole,” determining the number of strokes for par, and letting the disc fly. And that’s about it.

While many kids will simply enjoying chucking a Frisbee with all their might, it can help to include some variations to keep kids engaged. For kids who want to toss the disc, consider including rules like mulligans (re-do), super throws (dad-assisted toss), and blindfold throws (for dad). And for kids who might be less interested in tossing the disc, consider the roles of navigator (“Throw it that way”), pointer dog (“I found your Frisbee”), and scorekeeper (“Par was three throws, and you threw it nine times”).

Lastly, if you’re the type who enjoys some competitive company, Frisbee golf with another parent and child can also be tons of fun. Plus, the bonus is that this activity is laid back enough that it can easily be done with a coffee (or something stronger) in hand.

Yurt Camping
Yurt camping makes an adventure in the wilderness with your kid easier and more accessible than ever, because yurts thankfully take the place of tents. (Cue memories of cursing tents when you’ve arrived late to your campsite and are crashing around in the dark with a dozen mixed tent poles, all while enduring the impatient looks from your family.)

Simply put, yurts allow for camping to focus more on camping. Instead of stressing about your shelter, you can enjoy what you’re really there to do: hang out, hike, enjoy nature, and sit by the campfire. Plus, depending on your camping area, yurts can range from the most basic accommodations to having downright luxurious amenities. So it’s your call where to land on the scale of camping vs. “glamping.” (It’s OK, no one will judge you. Well, maybe your wife will.) Here’s a site that lists many state and national parks across the country that offer yurt camping.

Food Festival
It is not a coincidence that many of the best family activities revolve around sampling fantastic foods. And it is not a coincidence that hitting a food festival with my kid is one of my favorite family activities. Hooray for food.

What I love about food festivals is that they’re part education and part enjoyment. On the one hand, I can teach my kid about the importance of imagination and innovation as we browse and sample the different and distinct recipes, following our noses and hopping from one interesting aroma to the next (Fried MARS bars? Curry cheese fries? Lamb sliders?). And on the other hand, it’s a party in my mouth.

Bottom line, I have always admired those who create, and food festivals bring out a level of creativity and competition that’s just plain fun to spectate and consume. As a reference point, here is a national directory of upcoming food shows and festivals.

Spontaneous Road Trip with No Set Destination
The life of most kids is pretty structured and it does not involve getting to make that many choices. So imagine the curiosity and excitement that your kid will feel when you tell him he’s in charge of the Road Trip to Awesometown.

Even for parents, the spontaneous road trip can be a fun reminder of the importance of unplanned activities. Plus, there’s no way to do this activity wrong – because there’s no plan! Ultimately, you will have had a memorable adventure and you will have discovered something new and different. Lastly, for those with some extra cash burning a hole in their pocket, another option is to rent a sweet ride specifically for this activity. There’s nothing like a piercing red convertible to bring a smile to a dad’s face.

Ice Cream Sculpting Contest
Kids love this activity because it breaks all the mealtime rules. Not only are you purposely playing with your food and creating an epic mess, but the food is ice cream no less. This activity couldn’t be simpler, as it involves buying your favorite (or most colorful) flavor, setting up your table for an ice cream explosion, and unleashing your inner artist.

To take this activity to the next level, remember to provide a few sculpting “props.” This means assorted candy, marshmallows, cut fruit, nuts, and small cookies. These extra supplies take the pressure off perfect sculpting by focusing on decorating and adorning, and the edible props make an already enjoyable activity that much better … and delicious.

Food Tastings Around Your Town/City to Find the Best Fill-in-the-Blank
Dads love being the expert, and organizing an afternoon of food tastings around your town or city is the perfect way to discover new neighborhoods and to increase your local food know-how.

Step One is determining your target food for the day (i.e. pizza, hot dogs, cupcakes). Step Two is browsing Yelp for 15 minutes to map out your itinerary. And Step Three is hitting the road to enjoy some time with your kid eating lots and lots of scrumptious food.

Also, don’t forget to take snapshots of the food and yourselves at each stop. This visual chronicle of the culinary adventure will be fun to review together and to show to others later. (Besides, you probably need more photos of your child with mouth wide open and stuffed full of pizza, right?)

Final Word
Kids’ activities shouldn’t suck. They represent great opportunities to show your kid something new and to keep you growing as an interesting and engaging adult. Bottom line, you and your kid will be happier for it when you find activities that are fun, unique, and equally enjoyable for child AND parent. So here’s to dads, DADuary, and awesomeness with your kid.

I invite you to comment below with some of your favorite, and awesome, activities to do with kids!

-JB & Ben

Before I get into this guest post, I want you all to know I’m not a name-dropper.  In fact, the name of the player or his wife are not mentioned, but this is good to see men being dads in a profession like the NFL.  Anyways, here is what she had to say about the similarities she sees between her dad, and her husband and the role of an engaged male in the lives of her kids. 

Dad and daughter

My father was very supportive.  He always wanted me to be the best that I could possibly be.  He made learning fun whether it was learning how to ride a bike, tie my shoes, or racing the neighborhood boys across the street.  I always felt like I could do anything with my dad’s support and he always made me feel comfortable in my own skin with who I was as a child.  I was a bit of a tom boy and he liked that about me.  He was very protective of me though and if anyone messed with me,  my dad was like the big bad wolf and I knew with one yell of his name he would be there in an instant to protect me.  I loved being a little girl and looking up to him in that way.  I felt safe and I knew no one could mess with me.  He loves to sing and so do I as well, so to have that in common made our relationship even that much more special.

As for my husband, he loves to have fun as well and always makes me feel comfortable just being me as well. He ALWAYS tries to find the positive in everything even when at times I can’t see it.  That is something truly unique about him.  It has taught me a lot through different adversities in my life.  He also makes me feel safe and he is my superman now.  I never thought as a woman you would feel that from your mate, but I do.  What’s so special about that to me is I know that my daughter will get to enjoy that same feeling as a little girl. It is as if you could do no wrong and daddy is always there to make sure of it!  That feeling is priceless!  I look forward to seeing that as she grows up.

Here's the superstar dad with his little girl

Now, with my boys, it’s a little different.  My husband has instilled a little tougher mentality with them along with the balance of love as well.  Although my husband is a little tougher on them, he isn’t a yeller.  Instead,  he is stern in his voice and the boys listen very carefully to his words.  It’s amazing how as moms you can raise your voice or even yell and at times it’s like they don’t even hear you.  However,  all the boys have to do is hear dad’s deep voice and they jump up and respond quickly.  I laugh every time.  It baffles me how a deep voice changes the game when it come to discipline.  My husband can be a big kid sometimes and get on the floor and act like he is young all over again and the kids love that about him.  My boys look up to their dad immensely.  I don’t think at times my husband realizes how much of an impact he does and will continue to have in their lives.  Although my boys are still young, I know that these positive and loving traits that my husband has will be instrumental in helping them when they do have to confront different adversities in their lives.  They will enjoy his friendship as well as his advice.  I truly look forward to the relationships between my husband and my children and am grateful to have my father and husband not just in my life but in my children’s lives as well.

___________________________

             A male influence is very important in a child’s life.  Although I feel like it is very important at a young age, I also feel like it is even more important in the adolescent age on into adulthood because that is a very confusing time in your life.  You are not only changing physically, but mentally as well.  As children it is very hard to understand these changes and you need someone that loves and cares about you to talk to you about it.  We as human beings will always be influenced whether good or bad, however, with male guidance and direction it will be easier to comprehend what these changes mean.  With the right support and knowledge around you as well as someone that cares about you and believes in you, I feel like the sky is the limit for any child. However, without those influences in your life, you will make more mistakes along the way and it may alter the course of your life.

A Supportive Family

I have three children to raise and I know that they will need mine and their dad’s help in many ways not to mention some of their friends as well.  I know how important it was for me to have other supportive adults in my life to influence and encourage me along the way and I look forward to myself and my husband being that positive influence for whoever needs throughout the journey of life.

-JB

Life can be an isolating experience, especially when you go through periods of struggle and you think you’re the only one around who has to put on a happy face.  It is in these times when we need others most, and, at least for me, it’s been the hardest time to reach out for help.

I had coffee with a friend of mine today.  He is my age and has a young daughter.  We are trying to reconnect since we are now living in the same town for the first time in years.  During our discussion, he mentioned that his parents are going through some tough times.  It’s not my place to put their business out there, so that’s all I will say on the matter.

It was this talk about his parents that I want to discuss. His parents are in their 60s and may be in need of some support, or are they too old?  Do you ever NOT need support as parents?   In order to answer this you need to ask yourself if you think you are ever done raising your own kids.   Now, the kind of parental support I talking about is not just the how-tos of child-rearing, though it may start that way. The kind of support I’m thinking of is the support we ALL need but don’t always have.  It’s the kind of support that won’t tell you you’re right when you’re clearly wrong.  It’s the kind of support that is not always on your side, or always tells you what you want to hear, but will hold you accountable to become the person you are meant to be.

I don’t know what you would call, or label this kind of support, but I knew that I wanted and needed it.  I tried once to get it, but all the guys I wanted to connect with we’re busy being engaged dads, loving husbands, and hardworking providers. It was difficult to get connected to them.  I wanted to have a group of “my guys”, but I couldn’t get it to work out.

This is what sparked the beginning of ManvDadhood.com.  I thought I could get some frustrations out through blogging, but it turned out to be a greatly therapeutic activity, and I’ve been able to connect to some great people.  Then we come to DADuary 2012 with the idea of creating support systems for men and dads.  But, I don’t know how to create these supports, or how they should look for guys.  We are not natural networkers, and we can help one another build STUFF, but not always build EACHOTHER.

 So how do we start?  Who is your support group?

 -JB

Week 2 Support Posts: 8-14 DADuary 2012

DADS: Why do men (and boys) need other men for support?  What is it a man truly has to offer another man, and how does that process even begin?

Non-DAD: What has a male influence meant to you in your life?  Who do you know that needs some help from you or other guys?

REMEMBER: The #DadChat Twitter Party is Thursday January 12th from 6-7pm Pacific.  The Topic for the night will be “Parental Support: YOU need it!”  The Host, Bruce from BruceSallan.com and @BruceSallan has graciously allowed ME to be his guest host for the evening.  Even if you do not have a Twitter account, or don’t know what the heck Twitter is and you thought it was pronounced Twitah, you are still welcome to jump online and watch  the discussion happen.   I will plan to see you all there!

To Dads, from a Daughter

I kinda think my dad’s a badass.

Not because he’s famous, or a super hero type, or because he made a ton of money.  He’s a great guy.  Flawed?  Sure–his procrastination, for example, I inherited twofold.  But for the love, who isn’t?  The minute I was born, I am told he whispered, “Baby girl, you just made all my dreams comes true.”  At that moment, he accepted one heck of a challenge: to raise a daughter who is strong, able, confident, humble, compassionate, lacks daddy issues, is not completely overcome by inevitable physical insecurities, and can find her way out of times of emotional darkness.  As a woman in my 27^th year of life, I can attest this is damn difficult.  Am I all those things?  Maybe not every one on every day; but all in all, I’d like to think so.  Can this be completely attributed to my father?  No.  But without him I wouldn’t be me.  So I’m giving him credit where credit is due.

My dad was a present dad, always around, always there, making pancakes and French toast on weekends, giving me rides on his shoulders while he mowed the lawn.  He coached my basketball and softball teams, helped me with math problems, taught me to drive, taught me to handle a hangover, threatened to personally rip out with pliers any piercing that involved my tongue.  But it wasn’t just the activities he shared with me that left an impact.  Looking back, his actions outside the direct role of father are the most defining of the person I am in the present.  He was a captain in the naval reserve, gone one weekend a month, two weeks a year until he retired 4 years ago.  As a kid I was always so proud to say my daddy was in the navy; as an adult, I was proud of his choice to serve people he did not know, to defend those he did.  I found out only recently (as we watched President Obama sign away Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell) that he testified in a JAG court on behalf of a gay fellow servicemember, asserting that she was beyond capable of performing her duties as a naval officer, which were in no way affected by her sexuality.  Words can’t express how this warmed my heart.  He put a roof over his family’s head, making sure to provide everything they needed, and some of what they wanted.  He never once treated my mother with anything less than adoring love and respect, even when she went off on some emotional craze as women have a tendency to do.

So what does my father have to do with who I am now?  Who am I now?  My most dreaded question, the one I run from screaming, simply because I can’t answer it, not to the ability that I believe a person should be able.  So I’ll stick with a basic truth.  Now, I’m a wife.  You know the phrase, “You marry your father?”  After two and a half years of marriage, I can assure you this is completely factual in my case.  There are small similarities that at times make my skin crawl from eeriness (both husband and father attempt to top off at the gas pump until an even dollar amount is reached, most often unsuccessfully; both must have all keys on a ring lined up in the same direction; both leave the stock protective plastic coverings on their iPhones for far longer than any person should be allowed).  There are also similarities between my parents’ and our marriages that are essential components of a foundation without which the institution would falter.  We have open communication (most of the time; and when I shut down at a time that would be detrimental to us, my husband gently, firmly, lovingly brings me back).  We have trust.  Anyone who has had a relationship, successful or not, knows the necessity of this.  We support each other.  When it’s hard or painful, we hold on tighter to each other instead of running away.  We love each other—how often this necessity is missing from marriage.  We are best friends.

Without defining specifics, I can tell you the person I was when I met my husband was looking for someone (consciously and not) with whom I would share all these components.  I knew not to settle for less.  How’d I know which were deal breakers?  I had a great example in my father.  Is that completely corny and cliché?  You bet.  But I’ll be damned if it isn’t true.  Sure, there were many others who were examples, but that does not make his influence and example any less essential to the present me.  And while I can’t put into words the exact impact A had on B which resulted in C, I know this to be true.  I am this wife in this great marriage with this perfect-for-me man because I was and am my father’s daughter.

That is his legacy to me.  

-LP-F

Come on; don’t act like you have never wondered if the woman you are now dating would be the right mother for “Your” children?

But I think a better question is – Am I ready to be the Father both her and my future children need? I know for a fact that I am irresponsible and I can’t offer that to someone. Let alone someone small and innocent such a child.

I find myself in the ER more often than most people, which is not all bad. I ran into Sara that way and her husband and I played football together and that is how I am here today. But that is a story for another time.

Lets talk about what makes a good dad, actually lets talk about what I know, and that is what doesn’t!

• Playing sports so often you are often injured.
• Being out at all hours of the night only to coming home just to sleep and then having to wake up at 7 for work.
• Traveling with out regard to who may need you at home.
• Spending money frivolously.
• Making plans that require you to be out of the state often.
• Being scared about having a wife and children depend on you.

Most of the things I have listed are easily addressed. I mean, I have an MBA so I am not completely irresponsible. I have a good job. I ALWAYS wake up for work. I don’t drink alcohol and I am rather responsible enough to be listed as someone’s Emergency Contact at my favorite Hospital (Overlake Hospital in Bellevue, WA)

The one that I can’t get over is the realization that one day, if I play my cards right, I will have a little kid running around. Now please don’t think that I don’t wish that were already the case. I often see my friends post status’ on Facebook about what they did with their kids that day and I can’t help but think that it would be nice to share those moments with someone.

But what do I do? How do I address those fears of inadequacy?

Now, lets get something out of the way, I don’t have anyone to blame for this! It is my entire fault! Really, all of it falls on me. I have a great Step Dad who loves me and treats me amazing.

So now there is only one thing to tie it back to and that is: did you find yourself asking the same questions of yourself as you were starting to date your now wife/domestic partner?  Lets discuss!

-Jose Moreno