People who meet me now assume I was always this awesomely sarcastic.  I was not.  There was a time, even extending into my college years, where I was a good kid.  And then something happened.  This thing that happened is extremely personal and will NEVER be blogged about by me, but I lost my motivational keep trying to be that good kid.   Looking back through some of these old writings of mine from around this time, I was never really depressed, but I just had a LOT on my mind and didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, and I couldn’t escape it.  In a couple moments of optimism, the following two writings came out.

 What Saved Me?

What saved my life when I saw no need for it?

I was in a place where I no longer wanted to face another day because I feared something else in my life would go wrong.

I wish I could say that it was my family that kept me going, but that part of my life crumbling into the sea was a major cause for my depression.

I wish I could say that my faith in God helped me make it, but I was so upset at him for the state of my family that we weren’t exactly on speaking terms.

But it was a combination of the two.

The prayers of my parents that God keep me in his will by any means necessary are why I continued to wake up every morning.

I only wish I knew His will for my life.

There are times when I feel like the only human alive with no definite dreams driving him.

That tends to make me feel like i have no purpose.

But in my head I know I do.

However, until I know it in my heart, I will continue to feel this way.

I stand Triumphant. Looking back on a past riddled with tragedies and broken promises.  A lifetime of shattered dreams and broken hearts. Knowing that yet there were so many times God saved me from death.

I sit enraged. Dwelling on the things I was called as a child. Realizing the way I was cast aside, the cause of shame, and the place of blame. Nights crying myself to sleep, and days not wanting to wake up. I sit enraged with memories of a past I hope my children will never have to experience. And as long as they don’t, I will stand triumphant once again.  

I can only barely remember the kid who wrote these words.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  This is good, because it lets me know I have grown and matured from this place.  I do not understand these feelings anymore.  It would be interesting to know what I would say to this kid.  I just don’t know, because where I am now is completely worth it.  

-JB