I read a great article about raising boys. It reminded me of the radio interview I did with Bruce Sallan for January DADuary this year. We talked about boys in the school and how they are not given a fair shake at learning. The school system does not encourage boys growing into men.. not anymore. If you know me personally (and not professionally) then you see an act I put on at school. I am not the alpha-male I exude. I am, in fact, a supportive person, and I feel that the best way to “support” the male populations in the school I go into is to create a male standard. I am the center of my tyrannical despotic dictatorship that is my classroom. Boys are surviving an injustice in the education system. They need men around. They need to be able to learn how to assert themselves appropriately) without tantrums, crying, whining, pouting, etc. They need to learn the value of a firm handshake and a gentle word.
I am not saying that boys are being feminized, but I am saying that the boy is being weakened and unable to properly grow into manhood. I am a strong believer that the strongest woman in the world cannot give a boy what a man can. I can only illustrate this point in a personal story… I did not meet my biological father until I was 22; never met him, and couldn’t pick him out of a crowd. I was raised by my step-dad from age 2, and he was a good dad… to me. I did not think there was anything my own dad could give me that my step-dad couldn’t. I mean, what would this sperm-donor of a stranger (which I once called him) have to offer me? As it turns out… A LOT. When I first met him, I sat at a table in my brother’s house and just looked at him as the two of them talked. The first thing that impacted me was his hands… they were my hands. [Brief History] I was a QB, an artist, and a writer. Everything I did that I valued about myself stemmed from my hands, and in a moment I learned where those hands came from. There was something unpredictable that I got from a man who I had known for literally 30 seconds at the time, and there is something highly profound that a man can give a boy that cannot be quantified. I now have a great relationship with my biological dad.
I read this article, and I had this radio interview, and I had my dad experience, and now I have my own son to raise. How do I do this? What behaviors do I encourage, and what behaviors do I shape, and what behaviors deserve punishment? I do not have a formula for you, but I will go through the observations of the article’s author as she advises moms of boys.
1. Realize boys will, yes, be boys: you keep the toy gun away from the boy, but you can’t keep the boy from turning everything into a toy gun.
2. Respect his individuality: The apple doesn’t always fall far from the tree, but sometimes it does; accept it.
3. Refuse to fall prey to gender-based expectations: Roles have been blurred, and as the SAHD becomes more common, so may the boy who just wants to be a dad… just like his.
4. Help him deal constructively with criticism and prejudice: Be the small voice of encouragement your sons hears when he is being teased.
5. Foster diverse interests: Throw a lot of stuff at your boys and see what sticks.
I found out I was having a boy as my wife and I watched the Tudors (a Showtime Series). Considering the fact that I would not create a new religion or behead my wife if we did not have a boy, I am glad we did, because now I have the great challenge of helping him find the man he is to become.
If you have a boy, what is the best part about raising boys, and what do you worry about?
I worry that my boys, who are quintessential digging in the dirt and rolling in the mud boys will not appreciated by society that tends to glorify the “doofus dad” or male figure on TV. I am working hard at learning how best to raise, with my husband, honorable, strong, smart leaders. I am growing my boys to become men, who will eventually leave me to create their own families. The realignment of priorities is a natural thing; it is my greatest joy and my greatest sorrow. For now, I revel in the kisses and hugs and love from sweet little boys.
I am very affectionate towards my son. Not that my step-dad was not affectionate towards me, but I am to my son in the way my mom was with me (I think it may be too much for him at times), and I am willing to steal all these hugs and kisses for as long as I can.
JB, This was a great post. I’ve really enjoyed seeing your take and other Dads takes on parenting. I’m the father of a princess tom-boy, and some of the same truths that you mention here is just for our kids in general. My hope is that my daughter grows up to meet a man that had a dad that instilled these same values that you mentioned in this post.
We need our generation of Dads to stick around and be there for their kids, and teach them real life.
My wife was a Tom-boy for a time and is not anymore. I hope my daughter feel confident enough in herself to experience many different types of female-hood and figures out what she likes; and the same for my son.
Great read, Joe. I congratulate the continuation of thoughtful and meaningful rhetoric on the lost art of manhood. I can’t say that I worry about this particular issue, but I charge myself with the example and accountability of being a devoted husband and dad to my son so he understands and desires to be the same for his future family. I also want him to strive to the highest reaches of professional endeavor so when he does have his family, he’s also a strong provider. My greatest joy comes from the challenges that specific purpose brings.
Thanks Jose. I hope you enjoy your challenge as they continue to grow older.
Like you, I have a son and a daughter. My favorite part about having a son and a daughter relates to Number 1 in your post. We do our best to raise our kids free of gender bias but our girl is a little princess and our son loves to smash toys, race cars, and dig in the sandbox with his John Deere tractors. It’s just so amusing to see how two kids can have the same parents and be SO different and I believe that difference is rooted in gender.
My biggest fear for my boy is regional. We live in oil country and money here is fast and easy. Kids drop out in Grade 9 and are making 200K/year by the time they’re 18. They live hard, party hard, and often die young. I don’t want that for my son. I want a kid who puts family first, values education, appreciates culture and diversity, and works in a career that contributes to society and not just his bank account.
I understand the regional concerns. I am trying to think of the areas and mindsets I want my daughter exposed to as she begins Kindergarten next year. There are some “spoiled rich kid” areas I don’t want to end up in.
What a great post. Raising a son myself I have wondered many of the same things as you have.
Thanks for stopping by.
I often believe that if you are concerned about doing a good job with something, you will be that much better at it.
I totally agree.
I agree!
LOVE that photo, JB and loved having you on my radio show. Let’s do it again. I DO BELIEVE our boys are being feminized in our elementary school. Partly due to the fact that the VAST majority of teachers and administrators at that school level are women. Partly due to Title IX, which has hurt boys MUCH MORE than it’s helped girls. Partly due to the foolish self-esteem movement. And, partly due to PC nonsense. Shall I go on? LOL…
You could.
I am very frank and blunt with my students. I am clear with expectations and follow through with consequences, and guess what? They respond well to it. They rise to meet those expectations and act with respect and gain confidence… REAL confidence… Not a manufactured self-esteem.
I can’t tell you how much I agree with you. Of all my teachers in school, the ones I have related to the most and clicked with the best were all men.
I loved your line, “They need to learn the value of a firm handshake and a gentle word.”
Being a boy isn’t always about being a bull in a China shop. There are sublties, just like with girls, that boys need to learn. Things that a man can teach them.
I know what you mean… I wrote this back in October about one of y coaches… http://manvdadhood.com/2011/10/12/manhood-from-my-coach/
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Joe…As you may have recognized by the name, I grew up with you (Well tagging along with Kip, but none the less I remember growing up together in MV). I have the same issue with my “Sperm Donor” AKA Biological Father. Being someone yourself that has crossed this Difficult Hurdle and Met/Saw your Dad…How Did you Begin this Process? I have found myself staring at a blinking cursor and an empty e-mail MANY TImes…I don’t even know how to BEGIN to reach out and meet this man who I feel like has Abondonned and Denied me my Whole Childhood! I Know how necessary and Powerful forgiveness is… And seeing the man who is 1/2 responsible for you being here on Earth I’m SURE is fulfilling even for those who don’t necessarily find fruitful relationships with their estranged Fathers, but just meeting and seeing them can be moving and settling in itself I’m sure. This is something I NEED to deal with (especially now that I have a 3rd old Tyler Jr…..Light of My LIFE!!!). Is there any advice that you could give me on this matter???
I think this might be more about biological families than fathers and sons. I am female (I have one son) and was raised as the only child of divorced parents. I knew both of my parents, but both were (and are) completely engrossed in starting new/step families. I know what it’s like when you finally sit down with people who actually pay attention to you and are your own biological family. I had this experience even with people I did not initially know were my biological family members, yet knew instinctively that there was something different there, so much so that that’s actually how I found out that we were distantly related. People dismiss biology too much. I’m not trying to lessen the experiences of anyone with positive adoptive or step-family experiences, but again and again we find that biology matters. And my son is very much like me in so many ways that are not feminine, although I am not masculine. I am referring to the brain and that involving logical thinking. Ultimately, and someone says as much in a comment below, it boils down to not being afraid to be your child’s parent instead of their friend, no matter which gender you are.
That said, I do think it would be nice if he had more male teachers at an earlier age. (He’s in elementary school.) Last summer one week at camp he came home with amazing artwork one week. It turned out that week the head of the art department, a man, taught the class. I couldn’t help but think that the fact that he was male might have made a difference. The work he did that week was very different.