Category Archives: Parenting

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Nov 5 2012

Some Future-Dads You Just Don’t Worry About


In a matter of weeks, my brother-in-law will become a dad for the first time.  He is doing his doctor residency in Indianapolis with his awesome wife, and my wife will be leaving for the 3-day weekend coming up to go visit them.  My kids call him “Uncle Kaku (ka-koo)” and that name is his own fault.  n a LONG family trip we took when my daughter was 18-months, she was babbling to herself, and “kaku” was something that she said.  He asked what it meant, and I explained that it was just noises she was saying, but he thought it was funny.  He would say “Kaku!” then she would repeat, “Kaku kaku kaku kaku!”  After a few times doing this and laughing, I told him that if he did it again, then that would be his name.  He did, and it is.

I admire my brother-in-law, who we now call “Uncle Dr. Kaku”.  He has been a great uncle to my niece and nephews, and also to my own kids.  We all know people who we worry about their children, but Uncle Dr. Kaku, MD is not one of them.  I am going to share a series of pictures taken over the years, and this is only a fraction, but each one has a story behind it, and each one tells the story of a guy who will make a great dad in just a short period of time.

Congrats bro, and Welcome to the DADHOOD!

-JB

 

Jun 20 2012

Dad-Flicks: Happy Feet


This movie is cute and an Environmentalist commercial for PETA.  However, ignoring those obvious themes, it is a story about a father and his ability to deal with the decisions he has made, and the effect those decisions had on the man his boy as to become.

Maybe it’s because I watched this movie with my dad-eyes on and I saw the fears that old penguin had as he watched his boy life with the results of his inability to take care of his responsibilities at the appointed time.  Maybe I am reading to far into this children’s movie, but living with the sins of the father is a universally understandable feeling; we are all living with the burden of our parents choices on our shoulders.

How is it penguins (a bird hat can’t even fly) have the dadhood figured out more than we do? They understand the importance of male-bonding with the newborn (egg) and the dad’s role as a protector of that baby.  The huddle to endure the endless night is a great parallel to the onslaught fathers endure from society.  Dads need one another for strength and encouragement to endure, and sometimes they need to be surrounded and protected until they can endure the cold.

Initially, this movie was a bit weird t me, but it has OBVIOUS dad-issues in it that sometimes are worth exploring.

Thoughts?

-JB

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Jun 12 2012

My Take On Raising Boys


I read a great article about raising boys.  It reminded me of the radio interview I did with Bruce Sallan for January DADuary this year.  We talked about boys in the school and how they are not given a fair shake at learning.  The school system does not encourage boys growing into men.. not anymore.  If you know me personally (and not professionally) then you see an act I put on at school.  I am not the alpha-male I exude.  I am, in fact, a supportive person, and I feel that the best way to “support” the male populations in the school I go into is to create a male standard.  I am the center of my tyrannical despotic dictatorship that is my classroom.  Boys are surviving an injustice in the education system.  They need men around.  They need to be able to learn how to assert themselves appropriately) without tantrums, crying, whining, pouting, etc.  They need to learn the value of a firm handshake and a gentle word.

I am not saying that boys are being feminized, but I am saying that the boy is being weakened and unable to properly grow into manhood.  I am a strong believer that the strongest woman in the world cannot give a boy what a man can.  I can only illustrate this point in a personal story… I did not meet my biological father until I was 22; never met him, and couldn’t pick him out of a crowd.  I was raised by my step-dad from age 2, and he was a good dad… to me.  I did not think there was anything my own dad could give me that my step-dad couldn’t.  I mean, what would this sperm-donor of a stranger (which I once called him) have to offer me?  As it turns out… A LOT.  When I first met him, I sat at a table in my brother’s house and just looked at him as the two of them talked.  The first thing that impacted me was his hands… they were my hands.  [Brief History] I was a QB, an artist, and a writer.  Everything I did that I valued about myself stemmed from my hands, and in a moment I learned where those hands came from.  There was something unpredictable that I got from a man who I had known for literally 30 seconds at the time, and there is something highly profound that a man can give a boy that cannot be quantified.  I now have a great relationship with my biological dad.

I read this article, and I had this radio interview, and I had my dad experience, and now I have my own son to raise.  How do I do this?  What behaviors do I encourage, and what behaviors do I shape, and what behaviors deserve punishment? I do not have a formula for you, but I will go through the observations of the article’s author as she advises moms of boys.

1. Realize boys will, yes, be boys: you keep the toy gun away from the boy, but you can’t keep the boy from turning everything into a toy gun.

2. Respect his individuality: The apple doesn’t always fall far from the tree, but sometimes it does; accept it.

3. Refuse to fall prey to gender-based expectations: Roles have been blurred, and as the SAHD becomes more common, so may the boy who just wants to be a dad… just like his.

4. Help him deal constructively with criticism and prejudice: Be the small voice of encouragement your sons hears when he is being teased.

5. Foster diverse interests: Throw a lot of stuff at your boys and see what sticks.

I found out I was having a boy as my wife and I watched the Tudors (a Showtime Series).  Considering the fact that I would not create a new religion or behead my wife if we did not have a boy, I am glad we did, because now I have the great challenge of helping him find the man he is to become.

 

If you have a boy, what is the best part about raising boys, and what do you worry about?

-JB

Dec 8 2011

Parents… Be Encouraged!


I’m doing this post from a Special Education Teacher perspective… 

When at work, I know that I have these kids in a semi-controlled environment, with very specific programs in place.  I have received the education and training that helps me to function and interact specifically with my students and the others who work with them.  My students get off their bus at 7:15 in the morning, and I am responsible for them for the next 7 hours and 15 minutes then I put them on a bus to go home.  I get them at what may be the best and most-focused part f their day.  I understand that there are parents I will admire, and will not be able to fully comprehend their situation; single parents, and parents of children with special needs are two such parents.

I understand that I chose to do what I do as a profession, but you will always be a parent.  I spoke with a parent tonight, and I don’t want to go into what we talked about, but it was a tough conversation to hear.  

To ALL parents,

BE ENCOURAGED!  There’s others who understand your struggle, but it is a necessary one.

-JB

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Nov 30 2011

Raising a Global Child


My wife grew up in South America, I lived in ta rural suburb, and went to school in Seattle, and have done a fair amount of domestic and international travel. How much of a disservice would it be to shrink the world my kids live in to the things they see everyday?

With the holidays upon us, we are bombarded with consumerism, commercialism, and a retail-driven sense of entitlement. This new toy that you got last year is brand new because it is now white! Children’s’ television is the biggest offender. They use words like COOL and AWESOME, which everyone wants to be and have.

How do we make sure that our kids do not fall prey to retail gimmicks and blurred holiday seasons? How do we ensure that they do not start Black Friday on that Wednesday, and that they are not completely broke by Cyber Monday? How do we get our kids to see more than what is in front of them? PERSPECTIVE!

When stick in a corn maze and are having trouble seeing anything other than walls, change your perspective. When you are just barely paying off last year’s holiday season by the time this year rolls around, change your perspective.  If all you can see is your trials, and your own struggles, and your own issues, change your perspective.  There is always someone who would sell their soul to have your life.

EXAMPLE: When working with middle school students who have learning disabilities, you can see that they feel like they are the dregs of their society because they are not in the “normal” class with the “normal” kids, and they need extra help.  I was able to work at a school that allowed those kids to be peer tutors to the students with developmental, physical, and other mental disabilities.  They became the examples, the role models, and they were able to see (not just be told) that they have something to offer the world.  I saw kids who had retreated into themselves break out of their shells and gain confidence, and discover who they are. It is amazing what just a little perspective can do for you.

The news this week said something to the tune of, “47% of Americans don’t think they will be able to meet their gift-spending needs this holiday season.”  the radio reporter kept talking about the economy and this year’s projected spending, but they lost me at this one phrase: gift-spending needs.

How far from the true spirit of the holiday season have we fallen as a society when the news can say gift-spending needs without cracking a smile?  If you watch ANY cheesy or low-budget Christmas cartoon, or any of the classic stop-motion movies, the purpose of Christmas is not gifts, but letting those you care about know you love them, and that they are special.  As someone who was a broke college student living with his wife and child in his in-law’s house, I know how embarrassing it can feel to be unable to provide a proper Christmas for your child. However, she has had more fun with empty boxes, or large amounts of unravelled toilet paper.

It is not about the gifts, but about the family time together.

So, here’s the question to both of my readers :-)    How do you help your child grow with the proper perspective on life in American society?

-JB
Jun 16 2011

The Call of Duty


Air Force FlybyINTRO

This Guest Post is from the unique perspective of a military wife and mother.  I asked her how she and her family handle having a dad who wants to be around, but his job duties call him away regularly for extended periods of time. I enjoy her perspective,  I hope you do too.  Let’s hope she wants to do more posts in the future [fingers crossed]!

-JB

GUEST POST

My husband is a VIP in this household (as am I). Our kids look to us and depend on us to guide them through this world. Over the past years, we have developed a team approach to everything concerning our family from logistics to child rearing. It works! It works well. Until the train comes off the track. That would be when he’s required to take a trip to the Middle East.  As ready as we think we are for it, we never are. Who can replace daddy?

I’ll admit that I can’t. I can take care of everyone but I am not him. His presence, his spirit, his smile. That’s why people are sorely missed when they are gone forever. They have an impact on others and their absence causes a void. It’s extremely challenging having that void patched up and ripped out again and again.

I used to be a single mother and my parents have been together since they were 19 years-old. I know the value of a good father in the home. Both genders of children can benefit from what a father can teach. We have boys and one daughter. Our boys can learn how to be men. Our daughter can know the feeling of being valued and honored by a male and carry that on to her future relationships.

I can teach both, but modeling is better. Thanks to technology, he still parents them from afar.  The kids thrive on it and it provides some assurance that things are as they were, just in a different mode.

Before my husband leaves, he spends a lot of time with them creating more memories. Just him and them. We do things together, but those moments are what we believe in as well.

The following is directly from our 9 year-old daughter:

“My dad is a wonderful person. Every Friday night, we watch a movie together.  He is #1 dad.  But now that he is gone, things are different. Every weekend we used to get frozen yogurt or ice cream, now he’s gone and we can’t do that for a long time.  He will still be gone when my first nephew/his first grandchild will be born.  And he will miss my first 2-digit birthday.  A lot of things have changed since he left and this is jut the beginning. :-( “

Father’s Day is coming and we’ve sent the cards out.  We are a very strong family and we’ll get through it. We always do.

-Me Me

Jun 3 2011

Teach My Kids, Please!


As a dad, I look forward to the opportunity to pass on my knowledge and passions to my kids.  As a man, I think about the legacy I have been handed from my father (or father-figures), and the legacy I will leave for my children to embrace or shun.  One of the ways we dads are able to do this, is by teaching our children about the things we loved.  I played football in college, and it is assumed that I will teach my kids to love football as I did, and I will.  Will I be Will Farrell in Kicking & Screaming?  Not likely.  It is not football itself, or even winning that I want to teach my kids, but the character traits that playing sports, in general, can teach young people.  

Back to my topic, teaching and coaching our children is a way dads create lasting memories, solidify relationships, and build trust that will result in meaningful conversations in the tough teen years.  However, there are times when we may not be the best person to teach our kids certain skills.  I was asked to do a post about when as a dad, is it best to get someone else to teach our kids.  Someone ELSE teaching MY kids?  

The example presented was about a man having his neighbor teach his daughter to drive.  Teaching a child to drive is a rite of passage for both the parent and their kids.  Can the child survive the stress of a frantic parent warning of every parked car, loose rock, speed bump, mailbox, old lady, meteorite, body of water, sidewalk, gust of wind, floating leaf, dead animal, or any other “valid” driving hazard?  Will the parent be able to survive talking to a fifteen-year-old while seeing a three-year-old in the driver seat?  Who will come out on the other side smiling, and how damaged will the relationship be afterwards?  Should this have been left up to someone else; a family friend, or perhaps a professional stunt driver?  

Meet in the Middle:
I look forward to teaching/coaching football, whether my son plays or not.  However, I cannot stomach the thought of coaching level below high school.  Personally, there’s two reasons I feel this way: 1) if you’re playing in HS, then you know the commitment and drive needed to make it through a season, and 2) I love the subtleties in the strategies and and chess match of play-calling, and that is not necessary until HS.  I told my nephew to learn the fundamentals, and I’ll give him some extra help when he gets to HS.  This is the best I can think of as far as meeting my kids at a level I can handle.  Your knowledge needs to meet their receptivity to learn.  You cannot talk strategy unless the fundamentals and basics are set.  You cannot teach hitting a baseball to a certain spot before they can hit.  Don’t teach zone defense (basketball or football) unless they can already man-up and lock their opponent down.  Don’t say backside, weakside, deep-third, or any other strategy terms until the know left and right!  Meet them where they are.  

Methods, Styles:
What is your coaching/teaching method?  What is your child’s learning style? How well do your personalities mesh?  You MUST answer these questions before engaging in a stressful coaching situation (especially teaching how to drive) with you child or teen.  I am a kinesthetic and a visual learner, so having someone lecture me or just reading materials really doesn’t compute in my brain.  What helps me is to see what I am supposed to be doing (possibly in pictures) and then trying it out.  How do you teach?  Does it match or mesh with how your child interprets information?  Can you adapt your methods to meet their learning needs?  To use the driver’s ed example, how would you prepare your child for their first experience behind a wheel depending upon their learning style?  A visual learner may want you to jump in the driver seat and show them what to do. A Kinesthetic learner may want to just try it out in an empty parking lot.  An auditory learner may have lots of questions to talk through what to expect and what to do.  If you have a child who is a gamer, watch how they try out brand new games; do they look at the directions, go through the in-game tutorial, or just jump in and learn through trial and error?  

Relationship, Relevance, and Rigor:
All the moments we spend with our children are creating memories, and the way they will remember us.  Take the time to build your relationship with them first; they will have plenty of time to enjoy sports and have coaches who are NOT their dad yell at them.  Build relevance in the skills you want them to learn and something that interest them.  When your relationship is solid, and they are interested in what you’re teaching/coaching them to do, then you can raise the expectations and add rigor and push for growth.  
The Wrap-Up:
Our JOB as dads is to love our kids!  If anything detracts from that mission, then fix it!  


Thanks for stopping by!

-JB
May 14 2011

Leave and Cleave


Derailed by Mom Issues:
With the passing of this past Mother’s Day, I had been inspired to hash out a couple things in a new blog post.  However, I felt like there was so much I have in my head to say, that all the ideas trip over one another.  I have no clear train of though, because I can’t complete any.  This is what my mom does to me.  I feel every emotion flood into my head, and nothing all at the same time. I’ve had three thoughts in my head, regarding my mom, but they continue to interrupt one another. Since I can’t get the finished thoughts out of my head, I will get them away from having to keep looking at them in order to finish them.

This idea I kept coming back to, but it forces me to rethink about a time period that was really rough, and took my wife and I a few years to get beyond.  I had three other ideas I may revisit someday, but I don’t like thinking about thins that are upsetting to me, and my mother is just that.  

“Mommy Dearest”
I am the youngest of seven, and I work with students who sometimes either can’t talk, or not very well.  I see the world the way a behaviorist does; what you DO is who you ARE. To quote rapper DMX, “Talk is cheap!”. I come from an eloquent, well-spoken, educated, and persuasive family.  I was fooled into thinking a lot of things growing up, and even though our words can be counter to our core character, our actions can only be counter to that core for so long.  A little bit of adversity, and I learned who my family really was, and who I really was.  

Matthew 12:46-50
While he was yet speaking to the multitudes, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, seeking to speak to him.  And one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, seeking to speak to thee.  But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?  And he stretched forth his hand towards his disciples, and said, Behold, my mother and my brethren!  For whosoever shall do the will of my Father who is in heaven, he is my brother, and sister, and mother.

A Very Long Engagement
In the Summer of 2003 I proposed to my wife.  In the time from that day until our wedding the following Summer, we experienced a lot of turmoil from external forces.  Just to give you an idea about what happened in the 12 month engagement aside from the usual wedding preparations: I visited her fam in Ecuador, returned to learn that my mom and step-dad were trying to use their influence in our church to stop our wedding, one of my brothers jumped on the band wagon, I tried to appease the situation by making him my Best Man, he agreed, later decided to cuss out my fiancé over the phone and said he wouldn’t be a part of my wedding, My mom made a plea to me not to marry my wife, My fiancé and I went to counseling to deal with this situation, I met my BioDad, I did not invite my mother to a wedding she did not want to occur, she still did not show up, we had a beautiful wedding with 400+ in attendance, an amazing reception where we danced until almost midnight, and will be married for 7 years this Summer.  That’s the engagement in a nutshell.  

Mom is MIA
Throughout the entirety of my engagement, and on the day of my wedding, I struggled with the loss of relationship with my mother.  Even though I was closer to my Step-Dad, it is the relationship with my mom I feel that she cheated me out of. Because if the way she raised me, and the things she said to me, I assumed that she would be a great mother-in-law and grandmother, ultimately.  I still have a hold-out for my kids to know their grandmother, but I won’t force ANY negative influence into their lives.  I grew up with a mother who was very strong and determined it’s where I get those qualities), but the reality is closer t insecure and confused.  I don’t know if I will ever get a chance to talk with the strong woman who raised me; I think she is gone from me forever.  

The Mother of MY Children
The idea of mother, when i think about what I think it should be, and what I experience, they do not always match up.  As a mother, would you tell your child that they were an accident, almost aborted, conceived in hate?  Of course not, because you are most likely a well-adjusted individual.  My wife is constantly amazed at the miracle that is our children.  She is awe-struck an the idea that these two beautiful being are the product of us.  She is protective, she builds them up, she teaches them, she trains them, she disciplines them, she is creative in how she interacts with them.  She is an amazing mother.  I hope to talk her into writing on this blog one day [fingers crossed].  I never have, and I never will have any fears about my kids when they are with their mother.  

I love my wife.  When I see the things she does for our kids, I don’t wish that I had those things from my own mother.  However, I do wish she was able to be around to be those things for her grandchildren.  

I live two miles from my mom, and we’re worlds apart.

-JB



Apr 13 2011

Man Song: The Aviator


My mom used to tell me that the music you listen to has to have a reason… Even though I don’t agree with that statement, fully, I think that there are some songs that hit us in a way we can’t always explain.  It may be the whole song, or just part of it.  It may be a good song, and it may not be.  This is one of those ify situations.  I don’t know if this is a great song or not… I can’t really make it past these words in the chorus:
I’m just a man
Doin’ the best he can
Doin’ the best he can
I’m just a man

I might fall short
But I love a unseen hand
Love the unseen hand
Love the unseen hand

 The song is called The Aviator, by a Canadian Hip Hop artist named K-Os (chaos).  
The idea of an unseen hand, however yo interpret that, is a powerful visual to a parent.  There are many times where raising kids makes us feel like we’ve missed being perfect, or we worry that we may have done or will do something to cause them to go to therapy some day.  There is hope that the “unseen” hand will still be there to guide them in spite of our shortcomings.  As a parent… as a dad, that is comforting, because I know who that “unseen” hand is for me.  HE has brought me a wonderful wife and beautiful children.  Check out the song.  Tell me what you think.  
-JB 
Apr 3 2011

Role Models


My daughter, Pebbles, is four years old and still believes (*ahem…knows) that her daddy, me, is the STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. Who am I to tell her otherwise. A couple days after she said this, I saw yet another fight among players in an NBA game while watching ESPN. What do these two events have in common? To me, the correlation is simple: to my four year old, I AM her role model, and I am trying my best to be the right example for her. It is important to me to continue to be that role model for her. Pro players, whether they are a good role model or not, should not be your child’s role model. To me, this is just parents being lazy, like having the TV babysit your own children (which I know I do at times).

I shouldn’t be so hard on professional athletes, they ARE just children. They are someone else’s child. Why would I expect them to be able to set an example for my kids when they are only children themselves. I’m 30, and I still worry about being the right example for my kids as they grow, so why would I want them to loom up to someone else’s child who doesn’t have any stake in the successes or failures of my kids? I value education as a third-generation college grad and a 2nd-generation post-grad, but these kids come out of college with barely more credits than if they went to a community college and someone hands them a multimillion dollar bonus check.

I wish I could say that it is an age thing and that they will grow wiser with age, but Brett Favre dismissed that argument this past year. Who, in their right mind, send a picture of their old, greying, receding-hairlined, loose-skinned JOHNSON to a beautiful young woman and think that is all it takes? So, maybe i shouldn’t pick on pro players, because their profession is to play, so I shouldn’t expect too much out of a business that does not encourage it’s employees to act with character and integrity.

I’m not even going to talk about musicians or actors, because that is too easy, so I’ll mention politicians. [sigh] Now that I think about them, they upset me as well. Here is a group of delinquents who shoot a whole in my previously mentioned notions of education as a value and proves that it doesn’t provide for better role models. Politicians, are notoriously just as bad. And why is this? What makes celebrities so out of touch with reality? And why would we want our children to look to them for examples? They typically come from two different backgrounds; one is in the business of producing revenue and entertainment, and the other is in the business of governing the land.

What bothers me most about politicians is that what I feel towards them doesn’t come from watching tripe news or doing research, but from personal experience. I was fortunate enough to witness first-hand how a politician become blinded to the reality around them in an attempt to “stand for values” and win voter approval across several value sets. What comes of a person whose business is to be a people-pleaser but they don’t realize it?

All this to come back to my original question: who is your child’s role model? And why would you let someone else steal that level of influence in their life from you?

Join in the discussion…

JB